Why Anywhere?

 How do you decide what advantages and disadvantages you want to live with? 

There are certain privileges and difficulties we have no control over in this life.

I am curious about the things you can choose to live with. Ryan and I have moved so much during the last year, 你看一下：

Last July while we were in Nevada, my mother-in-law said "there are pros and cons about anywhere you live". I have now experienced living in cities that were so unlike each other, that feels like the only thing I could say about all of them. There were things I liked about each city, and our situation in it, and there were things I didn't like. 

There was something hard about life in each city. Even when I was in places I really wanted to be, I couldn't escape the tough stuff. I have felt anguish over political turmoil, downturns in my mental health, grief that seemed to be over nothing at all, anxiety about my family, deeply exhausted and lonely lonely lonely. We were stolen from, criticized, ignored, we fought, and we got lost. We fought because we were lost (don't do it, it doesn't help). Ryan was so sick he couldn't move or do anything for weeks. We had sleepless nights, and cry-yourself-to-sleep nights. Times I cried out looking for God, and times I hid myself from Him. 

Several times my mind went so dark I asked myself "why be anywhere?" as in "why be?"

There was also the joyful stuff. There was really yummy food-I mean I think I found my favorite thing to eat ever and then found something I liked even better than that! I watched Melody blossom and love people in each place. I saw things I had never seen before. I wondered at things I had seen many times but had never seen through the eyes of a toddler (turns out penguins are gross and scary but most other birds are mesmerizing). I watched Ryan overcome some of his lowest moments, work at jobs he hated and one he loved. I watched him be the sweetest dad ever. He was a soft place to land and a kind voice when I got really scared or overwhelmed. I spoke a new language and people understood me. I felt confident in myself, peaceful about the future, excited to be weightlifting again, determined to help, curious about others, and I felt loved. I went to the Temple in each place and sat next to God, and walked with Him and talked to Him all along the way and He talked to me. It was so peaceful and healing. 

I look back and think about "why there?" just to relish remembering you. You are my "why anywhere". God, my friends, my family, my people-I love you. 

I am not trying to say that anything difficult can become easy just by looking on the bright side, or focusing on the good. Many people struggle with very real mental health issues that don't go away just by thinking about the good things-including me. When I am going through those unfathomably low points I go through sometimes it's like my "remember the good things" button is gone from my keyboard. I have gone, am going and will probably go to professionals who know how to help with this. 

I am trying to say thank you because when I look back I see you were there and it helps me keep going. 

Not really sure where we are going next, or when. I'm sure there will be things I like about where we go, and things I don't like. Advantages and disadvantages. We'll be somewhere, and you'll be there and I am glad.